So this is a screenplay for my first film. Is currently in the works, finished product will be roughly 40-60 minutes.

The story so far is about a man named Joe, whose teenage daughter is killed by her junkie ex-boyfriend, James. The boyfriend goes to jail, and over several years Joe becomes increasingly obsessed with killing him. James, who is under eighteen, is released after a short sentence and goes home to his mother. Later in the night, he is kidnapped and beaten to death by Joe.

For the rest of the film, I'm going to have Joe become an extremely violent vigilante. However, rather than having him be the typical righteous 'just taking out the trash' type hero, I want to show him eventually become an almost evil and psychotic person. He is no longer even a man, he has turned into a monster.

Eventually, he is arrested and sent to jail for forty years.

When he next see him, Joe is an old man. He has had lots of time to think in prison about his life, and is remorseful for his actions. He is released a few months early and begins a new life. he finds a quiet apartment where he lives alone, spending his time reading and attending to his potted plants. He finds work in a volunteer shop at a hospital, where he befriends a young girl named Lucy. They develop a deep friendship.

One day, when Lucy and Joe are walking through the street, a young man comes up behind Joe and shoots him in the back before walking off. Joe collapses to the ground, dying. We now cut back and forth between Joe sharing some blissful last moments with Lucy before dying, and the young man going to a grave, where we realize he is the younger brother of James.

Essentially, the film is about violence and how revenge can ruin a person's life, and the lives of all those around him.

Here's what I've got so far:

Would appreciate any kind of constructive criticism, tips, or even praise. Even if that last one is extremely unlikely.

Cheers

Just saying, without having read the script, and just going by the premise you gave, this has been done before.

@the_commander_:

I actually realized that after coming up with the idea, but it was the only one I have and I have been thinking for months. Even though the idea has been done before, would you mind having a read and telling me what you think? Would appreciate very much. Thanks.

@the_commander_: Originality by itself is hard to find nowadays. Besides, Originality in execution tends to be what matters more recently.

@wolverinebatmanftw: As for you, complete the final product (script) first. Make a character and world map that encompasses everything about the setting. Give us a case study on what you plan to do going forward with your product. Show me that you know your characters first as if they were your own children and mental theraphy patients and the world they live in is the world you live in. I can't give you proper feedback if you're going to keep most of your cards close to your chest.

@life_without_progress: @life_without_progress:

alright. Will sketch up some character profiles and get back.

Love it

Have you done anything in fan fic yet?

Having read through it, I think that the best bits would be Joe's portrayal, i.e., the brutal violence. I found that, while a lot of this is standard, the violence could certainly make it stand out. Going back to your suggestion of his portrayal, he already is a psychotic monster.

I think that it could be quite gripping if the levels Joe's willing to sink to aren't fully explored until that moment. Just portraying him as reasonable (Despite his actions), and slowly, subconsciously build to that moment by the lake, use your cinematography to sort of portray him in a sympathetic light, UNTIL THAT MOMENT, where he viciously beats James to death.

If your goal is to portray him as irredeemable, or demonstrate that his life is irrevocably damaged, that would be your defining moment. Him giving James a quick death is ineffective- if he was redeemable, he'd have let him live. If this is a man tortured for years, embittered with life, why wouldn't he take it out on James? Why would he listen to a word he says.

Him going after the old man is a good followup. You've established him as a monster, and him offing the old man would really hammer the point home. At that point, you wouldn't even need to show the old man's death, just show Joe catching up to him before the other guy gets back in the car.

At this point Joe essentially becomes villain protagonist, and we'd be watching him sink lower and lower. Perhaps a scene of him noticing a mugging, killing the mugger, and then the mugger's victim?

The only other point I have to make is about the ending- How old is Joe? Who is Joe that he can survive 40 years in prison, for what's likely to be a spree of killings.

Regardless, the part with James' brother taking revenge, to me, is pointless. If Joe is an irredeemable monster, then why show him having a normal life after getting out of prison? If he's driven by an insatiable lust for vengeance, then why would he be romantically involved after getting out? Unless I'm reading this the wrong way, Joe doesn't seem like the type that's gonna let things go. After all, he's a murderer thanks to his grudges.

I ultimately feel the ending is superfluous, and I would suggest you keep thinking that part out.

Oh, and P.S. the names are common. Joseph, James, Lucy- people have heard them before and are going to hear them again. Not to nitpick, but I'd also say to put more thought into that.

I don't know if you feel I've missed the point of your work, but from giving it more thought I feel like it could be interesting.

True enough, but that's no excuse to follow the leader.

Not that he's doing that deliberately, but intentional or unintentional, a derivative work just makes a bigger leader to follow.

@the_commander_:

First off, thanks for all the advice. Really appreciate it.

The reason I had Joe listen to James was that I wanted to show that as a turning point for his character. The moment he raises the hammer, that's where he really becomes a monster. Until then, he still isnt sure of what to do. He still has some lingering bits of his humanity, it's at like 5 percent and then he he makes the decision to murder a kid and he crosses the line. But I understand your point about James' brother. The reason I included that was that I wanted to portray that even if one redeems himself, the circle of violence and revenge and hatred will still come back around. I suppose I should find a better way to show it though. And with your suggestion for the mugger scene, i have actually got a scene like that in an earlier draft (this is a complete rewrite) but I wouldnt show Joe killing the victim because even if he has become a monster by that point (and he certainly has) he still has his own twisted sense of morality and justice. He believes he's some sort of force of nature, but in reality he's just a psycho with a hammer.

And yeah, i wasn't gonna show him offing the old dude, just cut there and leave it to the viewer to imagine his death.

@spareheadone: Thanks, man!

And no, I haven't done any fan fic. Maybe in the future.